


Shower Thoughts

by XSayuriX



Series: Amaranthine [7]
Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Gen, Graphic Description, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 19:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20680931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XSayuriX/pseuds/XSayuriX
Summary: In the year 2135, young 18 years old Malcolm Reed tries to cope with all his emotional baggage ...





	Shower Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Small one-shot inspired by life, it does belong to the background story of Amaranthine hence more details about his feelings and thoughts will be featured in future Amaranthine chapters.   
I am not entirely sure how much this counts as graphic depiction, I wanted to be careful and warn everyone that it might be triggering to a certain extent.   
Also, I did only a brief midnight-skimming so there might still be a few mistakes grammar-/spelling-wise.
> 
> Huge thanks to Hanna_Tucker who keeps encouraging me about Amaranthine and who, frankly, has the best ideas imaginable for the upcoming chapter. You're a great support concerning my writing, thank you very much...

He took a deep shuddering breath as he carefully turned on the water tap, his fingers brushing over the cold metal. He was trembling, his whole body was trembling, his eyes could barely focus. Everything was moving around him, turning and twisting in a distorting way. The shower which usually seemed quite nice and big now happened to shrink at every further breath he took, painfully squeezing him against the freezing, narrow wall. He clutched his hands at the wall, taking a deep breath to steady his stance on the ceramic floor.

_Just breathe, just breathe…It’s going to be alright…_

A sound escaped his sore lungs, alienated by the reverberation of the small shower room – in fact, it sounded so odd he wasn’t entirely sure at first if it really was originating from his trembling chest. There it was again – and now he was sure. The whimper came shuddering as he winced at the pain that slowly crawled into his limbs. His muscles were tired of all the tension, his mind was tired of all those thoughts.

_You bloody fool, just get your shit together! _

A thump was followed by the terrifying sound of bursting – what was it that sounded like a mixture of wood and crashing stone? He looked down to his hand, his sight blurry from the burst of tears that erupted from his eyes. There were red blurry patches covering his knuckles, some of them turning into a nearly black colour, interrupted by tiny white-ish lines. As he tried to stretch and rigidify his fingers, he noticed that it was barely impossible to move them and with a growing terror of realization, he nearly shot out a scream when the shooting pain spread across his arm and into his shoulder, leaving him with a silent cry and a sudden feeling of numbness.

_What a damn idiot, this is…This is ridiculous, just get it together, weirdo! _

The number he got, the more he felt the burning hot water on his shoulders leave small red marks, wherever the steaming water drops touched his skin, blood was shooting into the places. He felt the pain of boiling liquid running into deep open wounds as if it was a pain suppressed by opium, there was a feeling, he knew it was there but no feeling of the actual pain, no feeling of what really happened.   
His thoughts were roaming, exploding, wandering, crashing to a point of sickness where he could barely hold it in much longer. His stomach twisted the more he realized the overwhelming amount of thoughts and sensations creating a bubble of sensory numbness around his body. When he nearly felt his knees give in, he took a moment to settle himself before leaning onto the stone-cold bathroom wall, making his hairs stand on end as the sensations of hot and cold exploded in his mind.

_This is it…This is it, it’s enough, moron…There you go, you insane freak…Just go…_

A sensational feeling of sudden energy ran through his every limb as he wrapped his painfully burning hands around his own throat, throwing his head back in agony, wheezing in frustration and sheer panic. He felt an itch run down his throat as he gradually lost more and more air, pushing it out of his lungs. His heart started pounding in his ears and he could literally hear his blood pumping through his veins as if there was no tomorrow to be seen, taste his blood in his jaws and on his tongue. The urge to scream, to gasp for breath predominated his mind as if it was a huge emergency alert sign flashing in bright red colours.   
His nails clawed into his flesh when he recognized how much blurrier his sight became the longer he was lacking air. The burning hot water was still dripping onto his pale skin as if it didn’t even exist while the blood from his torn knuckles mixed into it, leaving oddly coloured streams on the floor of the shower.

_Just end it already, you messed up creep…Just- _

For a second, everything went silent. Then he couldn’t hear anything but an ear-splitting high-pitched note in his right ear, forcing another silent scream out of his chest as he tried to deafen it by pressing his shaky hands onto his ears. It didn’t exactly help the noise but as soon as his lungs were filling with air once more the sound seemed to fade more and more until he found himself fully conscious and in the same miserable state of mind as before.

_What a pathetic idiot I am…What a pathetic attention whore… Who am I even kidding…_

His knees gave in and he dropped to the floor, sobbing, visually shaking, waves of tremors running through his whole body as he let out ugly sounds of agony and frustration. His hands were clenched to fists, shaking violently while he tensed from the shooting pain in his knuckles. His breath was quivering the more he tried to calm down and focus but those feelings were just too overwhelming, too suffocating.

_It’s alright, they’re going to play their part and you’ll play yours…Just get your shit together now, bloody hell! _

For a minute or two, there was an irregular, unequally loud sound of snapping again and again and again, accompanied by soundless sobs. His hands were shaking even more when he finally looked down at himself, eyeing the tortured wrist with the rubber band poignantly, pale-red weals becoming more and more visual. As soon as he tried to raise his arm a little bit, the burning pains punched him in the guts, pushing all air out of his lungs once more. It took him another solid moment or two before he could readjust himself and catch his breath. All the physical pain had immensely helped distracting him from the constant, ever-lasting emotional hurt he used to feel, the overwhelming everyday agony that always appeared as if it was ready to choke him entirely.

_Just get up and smile. Get up and smile. It’s alright, All’s well. Get up. Smile. _

When he stepped out of the shower, his expression grew cold as stone. No emotion left, he started carefully covering up all the physical marks before he glared into the mirror, staring at his reflection with dead eyes before he dared to attempt a smile. Something in that smile resembled the doomed flower that had been withered a long time ago but was meant to bloom again and again even though there was no colour left.

And with a lying smile, crying eyes and a dying soul, he stepped out of the bathroom and into the halls of Reed Manor.


End file.
